Have you ever been on the receiving end of the phrase, “You ask too many questions.” Some of us have, most of us haven’t. At least not for a long time. In a world swimming with information, many of us have stopped asking questions and just accept what we’re told. Why bother when all the information we need is available from a variety of sources 24/7. However, not all information is created equal, and information isn’t necessarily the same thing as answers. Usually, if you want useful information that equates to truthful, useful answers then you have to develop the art of asking questions.
Kids
If you’ve spent any time around children or remember being one yourself, you know they are endlessly curious and ask a lot of questions. Harvard child psychologist and author, Paul Harris, says that between the age of two and five a child will ask approximately 40,000 questions. As a result, they also develop some questioning skills as they go from asking simple questions requiring informational answers such as the name of an item to asking questions that require explanations.
However, data also shows that the number of questions kids ask plummets when they get in grade school. There is probably no single reason for this but rather a perfect storm of our imperfect educational system and a lessening of new neural connections being formed as kids start to develop their own labels for the world. There becomes less time, less need, and less desire to ask questions. As those same kids move into high school and their teenage years, they often experience decreased engagement in family and school, and question asking comes to a halt.
As We Age
So, even with the intervention of higher education, it’s easy to enter adulthood with lacking skills when it comes to the art of asking the right questions. As a result, many adults operate on autopilot. We spend years and even decades relying on ingrained beliefs and habits to navigate the world. These default patterns can make us resistant to new ideas or blind to biases that shape our perceptions. The quote, “We don’t know what we don’t know” applies here, and has been used by and/or attributed to everyone from Socrates to Donald Rumsfeld, further proving that we’re talking about a problem that’s been around for a while.
Without questioning, we risk accepting information at face value or overlooking opportunities for growth. For example, how often do we challenge our assumptions about family dynamics, workplace norms, or societal expectations? Without critical inquiry, we fall into a comfort zone that limits innovation and connection. Without the ability to ask the right questions we all wake up one day asking, “How did I get here?” regardless of where “here” is.
Vital for Healthy Living
The ability to invite questions into our life, to question everything and anything as a matter of course, is key to modern life. Rather than seeing it as a burden, look at questioning as an opportunity to add excellence and options to your life. On an individual level, it allows us to:
- Understand our own motivations and desires.
- Identify gaps in our knowledge.
- Foster curiosity and a sense of wonder.
In relationships, questioning promotes empathy and understanding. Asking thoughtful questions can defuse conflicts, deepen bonds, and pave the way for authentic communication. On a broader scale, communities thrive when members are willing to question traditions, policies, and practices that may no longer serve the greater good.
By seeing good questioning as a responsibility to ourselves and others we open the door to accountability, transparency, fairness, growth, and progress. Things we all want in our personal life, workplace, and communities. By failing to question we create stagnation, inequity, and missed opportunities for positive change.
Getting Out of a Rut
For many, consciously starting to question things might be a new and uncomfortable experience. Not asking the right questions can be frustrating at best and detrimental or even dangerous at worst. Whether you need to up your questioning game, or even just get in the game, there are steps you can take.
Start by challenging your assumptions. Ask yourself if the assumption you are making still holds true, is it still something you believe? Ask if there is evidence to support that belief? Is that evidence based on science or hearsay? Could there be another perspective that is more aligned with your values?
To truly make questioning a way of life, treat the process as an adventure. Instead of looking for immediate answers, take the time and energy to explore the possibilities. Start by developing your listening skills. Pay attention to what’s being said, and what’s not being said. Insightful, relevant questions begin with critical thinking about the information you’re being given. Make sure you’ve really heard what was said.
Then ask away. Make sure you’re asking questions that require an explanation and lead to a discussion. Don’t ask yes-or-no questions if at all possible. When you’re at a loss, ask the person you’re speaking to how they arrived at their conclusion or how the situation at hand came about. Or simply ask them to tell you more. Open-ended questions such as these often yield the most informative and interesting answers.
Change Things Up
If you’re looking to learn something new, engage with people who have viewpoints or life experiences that are different than your own. Their insights can lead you to ask new questions that you might not have thought of otherwise.
In any situation, once you get answers to your questions, take time to consider and ponder. Reflect on the answers you’ve been given. Does that information challenge or reinforce your initial understanding or belief? What new questions do you have? How are you going to use this information?
Objectives and Benefits
Be clear that the purpose here isn’t to question everything and everyone to death. Questioning should be, and is at its best, a thoughtful and transformative process for all involved. It leads to deeper understanding and away from superficial responses. It encourages collaboration and creates the feeling of shared adventure among people when you ask them to share their thoughts.
Skilled questioning drives action for both the individual and the group. It creates steps to change while helping us to foster adaptability and open-mindedness.
A Word of Warning
So, here’s the warning label. It’s important to note that while questioning is a skill you develop it quickly becomes a way of life. By asking the right questions we can break free from our own limiting patterns, create healthier relationships, and have a greater impact in our communities and world. Life will get easier and richer at the same time.
As we move into a new era of rapid change, developing your art of questioning will be more important than ever. By reviving your curiosity, committing to a process that results in thoughtful questions, by using the answers to your questions to challenge your own assumptions, you will truly use the power of questioning to change your life and maybe the world. If that doesn’t appeal to you, don’t ask questions.
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